POLAND!!

Poland was another of our 'drive through' countries, although unlike Denmark, driving across Poland required a night's stay and interaction with the locals. Now after my musings on Russia and my outrageous and unfounded slamming of Denmark, I've decided to make my write-up of Poland fun and positive, rather than negative and serious.

I'm also breaking the format temporarily to accommodate my positivity.

So let us play a little game dear reader, whereby I make some words bold and you have to substitute these words for their associated word in the list below. For example, if I've written dog = cat, and I write 'I ate dog food', take that as meaning I ate catfood. Got it? I thought so…

Here's the code list:

Amazing = 'raw'

Beautiful = 'ugly'

Hamburger = 'hastily thrown together pile of rat crap'

Fully visible = 'entirely naked from the waste down'

Staying longer = 'getting the hell out of there'

Too much fun = 'gastro'

Clean = 'disgusting'

Restaurant = 'rat's nest'

Rude = 'actually quite polite'

Chef = 'microwave operator'

Mozart = 'The Corrs - Breathless'

Gold = 'diseases'

Smooth = 'full of pot holes'

Downside to this entire journey = saving grace to the entire scarring experience

Patient = 'psychotic'

Obnoxious = 'accommodating'

High quality = 'shithouse'

Bach = 'the UB40 version of 'I Can't Help Falling In Love With You'

Cute little farmer's markets = '24 hr casinos/strip bars within service stations'

Friendly = 'embarrassingly rude'

Sad = 'ecstatic'

Sensational = 'distressing'

Chopin = 'Tom Jones - Sexbomb'

Atmosphere = 'sense of it being a shit hole'

Rainbow = 'hooker'

Decode from here:

We dashed into Poland from Lithuania in our little car, full of petrol and hopes and dreams for seeing the sights of a completely new place. We knew the history of Poland, and felt sympathetic to its efforts of recovery from centuries of fighting, occupation and re-invasion.

The first thing I noticed was a very thick area of forest and lakes dotting the landscape, as Polish farmers sold their fruit, vegetables and other wares on the roadside. Things were looking up to this point. Then, from nowhere, I noticed a rainbow right on the side of the deserted road - it was so surprising to see one in such a place! Nicola and I mused at the likelihood of just seeing a rainbow in the middle of nowhere, and my thoughts turned to exactly what would be in store for the man who found that pot of gold!

The drive in total was expected to be 14 hours, so after a few more hours of uneventful driving, we called in to find some cash (Polish Złlotys) and some food. We saw this really clean-looking restaurant to find ourselves some dinner. We were greeted by thebeautiful and friendly chef and ordered our food. Nicola got a hot dog, and I was fortunate enough to order a hamburger. The burger was amazing - equally stupendous was how I managed to avoid having too much fun! I was sad to leave.

The roads to this point had been really smooth, and the drivers so incredibly patient, but if it were possible the roads actually improved from this point. We cut through the Eastern part of Poland and crossed to be in line with Warsaw. What an beautiful,clean and just simply sensational place this was! We didn't even enter it and I felt the atmosphere!

I was sad to have to pass through it to get to our accommodation for the evening, but as we roared passed the cute little farmer's markets literally EVERYWHERE on the road side, I soon cheered up!

It was about 10:00pm when we finally reached our destination for the evening, and boy was I glad to reach it. The only downside to this entire journey, however was that our accommodation operators were really rude and obnoxious - however this was really unique and the only people in Poland we found to be like this! I slept like a log, with the sweet memories of Poland's high qualityradio soundtracks ringing in my ears (Chopin, Mozart and Bach).

In the morning we arose to have breakfast before departing our accommodation. From the outset of the day I was really wishing we could be staying longer, but I knew that I couldn't make it so like magic. We continued our drive on motorways, which was a change from the roads which were so smooth earlier in the trip.

Passing many more cute little farmer's markets, we were nearly on the German border when we saw ANOTHER rainbow, but this one was fully visible - I know it was hot, but wow! A real sight to behold.

So understandably both Nicola and I were sad to be crossing the German border - after all, Poland would stay in our memories (and gut lining) for ever!

… end decode

I would liken it to…

Lindsey Lohan; has been 'conquered' by too many armies of men, and is basically a complete basket case.