NORWAY!

Forming one centrepiece of our holiday, I had high hopes set for Norway, and I was not disappointed. A total of two weeks would be spent there, with a few nights planned at each destination.

Agreed to be the 'most expensive country in Europe', it is also has the northern-most tip of any European country (extending up above the Arctic Circle). A land of fjords, tall blonde women, Trolls, Reindeer and Fish Cakes, Norway truly was a memorable experience.

Although the price of a beer and smokes is enough to reform alcoholics and cigarette smokers cold (I'm talking AU$40 for a six-pack of standard beer), it isn't actually too difficult to avoid financial pain. A few simple rules helped us out:

1. It is law that you are allowed to camp anywhere in Norway (except for someone's front lawn) for free
2. Fish (and their associated food products) are a staple food and inexpensive in supermarkets, and are even free if you catch them yourself
3. The Norwegian Kroner makes things seem more expensive than they really are. For example, paying 700kr for a tank of diesel is not so bad as, say, giving a kidney. It is only the equivalent of AU$140

The reason the prices of Norway were so much more palatable than those in Switzerland was that it was not accompanied by a swarm of tourists like flies around a lame sheep. With only 5.5 million people, Norway is Europe's least populated country per sq km, so there's heaps of room for a blue Peugeot and a pair of enterprising Australians. Additionally, the Norwegians are quite entertaining people, sounding eerily like the Chef from the Muppets (who I thought to be Swedish, but could well be Norsk).

We kicked off by attending the Hove Festival at Arendal, a 4-day music festival of which we only attended the first and last days. On the 'in-between' days we ventured to a tiny village called 'Tuddal', at the bottom of the highest mountain in the Telemark region of Norway (home of cross-country skiing).

After returning for the final day of the festival, we drove to the Stavanger region, home to 'Priekestolen'. Surviving this, we used the Priekestolen area as a base for a visit to the 'hanging rock' - Kjeragbolten.

From here, we worked our way to Kinsarvik, a small town nestled between the end of a Fjord and four massive waterfalls. Next was Bergen - a large town on the west coast of Norway, then over to the mountain and fjord-laden region of Songfjord. A trip via the alpine-centric Jundheim national park for a couple of nights 'car camping' saw us ready to take on all Sweden could offer.

We did cover quite a few kilometres on our adventure around Norway, and this leads me to one of my few downsides of Norway. The roads, and the drivers. Their speed limits on all roads except for motorways (and trust me, the term 'motorway' is used liberally, and in Norway stretches to any road with a divider in the middle) is a mind-blowing 70-90km/h. And people adhere to it.

There is nothing more frustrating than a 270km journey ahead of you and you hitting your top speed of 90km/h for only a fleeting moment before slowing to a lazy 40km/h behind some freak driving a Skoda. Roads are where Norwegians turn from being entertaining and light people to boring, annoying and just plain rude. They will NOT pull over to let you overtake, and where the gesture of pulling over and stopping to let oncoming traffic past you in a narrow tunnel would get you a knowing nod and a wave in Australia, you are simply met with a blank, dumb stare.

Socially, the Norwegians are interesting. Having such high levels of Government control over society has led to a kind of blind rule-following. If the government said 'at this point, get out of your car and do 5.6 starjumps, all the while singing 'Mary had a Little Lamb'', I seriously believe they would do it.

Key activities on the trip:

• Hove Music Festival
• Climbing Mt Gaustotoppen, the highest mountain in the Telemark region of Norway.
• Fjord fishing at several locales around the country.
• Visiting multiple glaciers (the Buer, the Bergsbreen and the Nigardsbreen) and waterfalls (including the Folgefossen falls).
• Climbing to the Priekestolen ('Pulpit Rock') a rocky pulpit hovering over a sheer 600m drop into a Fjord.
• Climbing to Kjeragbolten - a boulder wedged inexplicably between two sides of sheer rock, with a lazy 1km drop to the Fjord below. Certain death I considered while edging my way onto said rock for photo opportunity.
• Visiting Bergen, a historic and beautiful harbour town.
• A quick tour of the oldest wooden church in the world (1178 AD) with pieces of earlier churches (10th Century) also used in the construction.
• Walking the most popular walk in Norway - Besseggen - a ridge with spectacular views of different coloured lakes on each side.

Highlights…

• At Hove Festival; being second row at Muse (before Nicola's shin got impaled by the wheelchair of a strange wheelchair-bound biker and his excitable 'mole'), first row at Vampire Weekend and Arcade Fire, and having the opportunity to give a man hug and a pat on the head to the lead singer of the Arcade Fire as he walked through the crowd.
• Catching 'Marty the miniature Mackerel' (Nicola) and 'Stephen the six-kilo Saithe' (Nick) in Fjords and hence feeding ourselves
• Picking wild strawberries and cherries to also avoid expensive supermarket fruit and vegetable prices.
• The spectacular but nerve-racking views from Priekestolen and Kjeragbolten
• Sleeping in the 'Blue Bolt' to avoid paying ridiculous camping costs for a wet and sodden piece of earth a dog may have pooed on.
• The sheer amounts of water cascading from every rock surface in sight.
• Using camping wi-fi to access Richmond's various football victories.

Lowlights…

• A disastrous fishing session for yours truly, which involved 40 minutes of fruitless fishing before handing the rod over to Nicola, who caught Marty the Mackerel within 2 short casts while I endeavoured to do some research on my iPhone. This fishing futility on my behalf was topped with 2 lost lures.
• Saying a sad 'goodbye' to some treasured travel companions of mine:

1. My €14.99 special rod and reel, after the aforementioned fishing trip, which fell prey to a pair of pliers being used to 'fix' its' stuck telescopic properties. Dark days indeed.
2. My green quite-new shorts, which started tearing on the ascent of Gaustotoppen with one right leg reach too great on a rocky outcrop. The tear eventually extended from my inner crutch all along essentially every seam in my shorts, leaving half of my jocks showing while the left leg of the shorts held on with grim determination. I was like some 'downstairs' version of Michael Jackson. This was remedied shortly after by Nicola's kind offer of her very own unused tracksuit pants, which left me with a look akin to a Cathy Freeman body suit. She is only little.
3. A large enough proportion of my shin skin, hair and flesh on what was thought to be a steady snow-covered patch of path which gave way. It was steady enough for Nicola to walk on the exact same patch, but clearly not for me. The pain I felt was the type you get which leaves you unable to speak. No swear words would even come. Just pure, stunned silence.

• The great 'fish sauce' kerfuffle of early July, which saw what was meant to be a sealed bottle of fish sauce defy assumptions by leaking onto the mattress that was to become our car-bed. No amount of 'something's fishy about this' jokes would pacify Nicola. On an unseasonably warm summer day in Norway, the issue came to a head when we realised that we hadn't properly dried the mattress from its initial washing attempt. Combined with our hiking shoes, the effect was quite overpowering in an un-aired vehicle. This incident caused some serious downtime in a Lillehammer unit, involving washing the mattress in a shower, then engaging in a battle with time to get it dry enough to put it back in the car. This went down to the wire, and I'm glad and more than a little relieved to say the worst of it is now over.
• Not seeing a Reindeer

In summary...

Norway is vast, varied and beautiful, with natural surroundings ranging from beaches, snow-covered mountain peaks (even in mid-Summer), fjords, glaciers and towering waterfalls. In a way, avoiding the disgustingly high prices provided us with a kind of 'game of skill', a ropes course which we feel we navigated quite well.

I would liken it to…

A tie between Delta Goodrem (looks good, but is too much of a 'goody-goody') or a pair of brown leather sandals. Looks really very nice in some areas, but in terms of personality, they are boring, plain, pretty much only follow the path they're directed to follow, and are full of German sock-wearing tourists.

On the roads; I'm thinking more Matt Damon, still looks good, but you get the feeling the wheel is still turning but the hamster's dead.

DENMARK!!!

Denmark was only ever going to be a blur of countryside from our speeding vehicle, as a necessary stopover on the way to Norway. We were to only stay there one night on our long journey between the Rhine region of Germany and the car ferry from Hirtshals in Denmark to Kristiansand in Norway. And praise that it was so.

I'm unsure as to what others consider endearing in other countries, but if long grass, sheds, wind turbines and the flattest land outside of the Nullarbor Plain floats your boat, then you would be in luck with Denmark. Sadly this does not get my travel juices running.

Apparently the Danes were once a force in Scandinavia, calling their own much of Sweden and all of Norway. All I can say is - 'what the bloody hell happened Denmark, really?'. The Lonely Planet guide to Denmark mumbled something incoherently about Copenhagen and the Little Mermaid, but it really failed to make me wish we had stayed longer.

However, being ever the positive optimist (always seeking the silver lining inside the flat, grass-covered cloud), I found a little nugget of hope that Denmark may not be as bad as I first thought. On the boat from Denmark to Norway, we discovered a slab of Carlsberg for AU$30, thanks to the duty free situation. Nice.

Key activities on the trip:

• Driving at a legal and safe speed across Denmark
• Camping overnight at a town I can't even remember the name of

Highlights…

• Duty free beer
• A beach with actual sand was a resting place for us when waiting for our boat to depart.

Lowlights…

• Yes, a few.

In summary...

I certainly wouldn't be a walking, talking tourist advocate for Denmark, but to be fair nor should I be with our trip consisting of only one night and a lot of blurred countryside. The Lonely Planet guide may be right; Copenhagen may well be a nice place. But it would want to be to counter-balance the plain 'meh-ness' of the rest of the place.

I would liken it to…

The English Patient - starts slowly and doesn't really go anywhere from there.

Come to think of it, Princess Mary pretty much sums the place up for me - boring as bat shit.

SWITZERLAND!

Entering a country which is world renowned for being 'picture postcard' in its' beauty and precise and ingenious in its' mindset provided me with a sense of excitement and anticipation. As the 'Blue Bolt' neared the border from Ornans via Neuschatel, the hills became mountains and the streams rivers. The 'border' was nothing more than a few deserted, unmanned gates. Our first stop was at a service station to buy a road tax sticker, which was to cover us for all of our driving in Switzerland (the best €40 we spent).

Our first camping destination was the town of Grindelwald, a town we thought to be a sweet little mountain village, tucked away at the foot of the Jungfrau. It turned out to be a tourist bonanza of a town replete with multiple souvenir stores, overpriced food outlets and floppy-hatted, flip-up sunglasses-wearing Japanese tourists. By the busload. I discovered this with a short stroll through town, and an overpriced hamburger and under-priced beer.

Our campsite was run by a red-faced blond-haired German man named Rudolf, who used his time alternately between running a tight ship in the campsite and cutting hay in his surrounding fields with a scythe. I respected this in Rudolf. Although the town itself was full to the brim with tourists and sightseers, the surrounding area was beautiful. Outside our tent door was a view of the north face of the Eiger mountain, and within a 5 minute walk was the railway which was to take us to the top.

Our trip then drew us near the Swiss-Italian border to the base of the Matterhorn, then back up to Zurich before our eventual departure to Germany.

In Switzerland the views, the walks and the altitude are all literally breathtaking. However the lasting memory for me was the exorbitantly high prices to actually DO anything other than breathe and walk (although I think they would probably be thinking of ways of introducing an 'oxygen tax'). I think it took me about an hour and a half to recover my senses after coughing up €157 each for a train ride up to the top of the Jungfrau.

Key activities on the trip...

A visit to the top of the Jungfrau via the cog railway
A walk on the side of the Schilthorn (another mountain close by; through fields with cows and their ringing neck bells - a certifiable cacophony of caramel coloured cows chiming!)
A side trip to Trommelbach Falls (a series of waterfalls inside a mountain)
Going for a run to the base of the Matterhorn
Driving over the Furka Pass - a steep and hairpin bend-dominated stretch of road which provided both photo opportunities and opportunities for certain and painful death at every bend
A quick trip to Zurich

The people...

The other thing which really got my goat about the place was the manner of the Swiss people themselves. The French have a stereotype-driven cultural image of being rude and insolent, however it is my counter-claim that it is the Swiss which reign supreme over these virtues. They seemed largely self-possessed, money-hungry and disinterested. Think Martina Hingis. Wave a Euro or three hundred in their face and you may get a glimmer of attention, but short of that and you're talking to walking, yodelling brick walls.

Highlights…

• The scenery - beautiful, and impossible to take a bad photo of.
• The quality of the roads - simply amazing. The tunnels, mountain passes and highways were all A-Grade and were a pleasure to drive on.
• The cows - I don't know what it is about such a simple thing as cows wearing bells, but it somehow provides a certain 'ambience'.
• The fact that I didn't hear any yodelling.

Lowlights…

• Prices for tourist activities - I feel that this was also partly due to the absurd amounts of tourists swarming all over the place, but Jesus it was hard to think our budget would last 3 months if we'd stayed there any longer.
• The people - I know there are exceptions to every rule and we met a few Swiss who bucked the trend, but for mine they are clearly the rudest people in the world. Bang.

In summary...

So although Switzerland was one of the most aesthetically beautiful places we visited, it was certainly an element you paid for in other ways. It does have some of the most amazing scenery (and has provided some great photos for us), but it was far from the perfect Eden it is made out to be.

In other news, Rudolf managed to reap his hay harvest at a time appropriately coinciding with a series of dry and warm days. Although I can't confirm the true value of his bumper hay crop, I would like to think he had a sly grin and a whisky or two as he rolled into bed post-baling.

I would liken it to…

Truffles - interesting to look at and enjoy with the senses, but expensive as buggery and leaves a slightly bitter taste in your mouth.

Drum roll please...

I think the best way of getting my views across about the different countries we'll be going to is to do a quick snapshot profile. The sheer number of thoughts that pass through my mind would be enough to turn Ivan Milat sane, so maybe to save everyone the dread of trawling through my many disparate and loosely linked musings, the following template will work best? OK? Sounds good.

And the first completed country is....... (drum roll please)

And so it begins...

It is time for this blog to shifts its focus (if it ever had one) from being the inane rantings of my deranged brain to some more experience-based anecdotes from our European holiday.

And so begins our journey to the European continent. In early June, we packed up a 2002 Blue Peugeot 406 Station Wagon I've named the 'Blue Bolt', and embarked on a 3-month long cultural extravaganza. The car is nearly dragging its' axles along the ground, packed full of camping gear, fish sauce, clothing, fishing rods and other miscellaneous but doubtless necessary equipment.

Our itinerary would take us to France for a short time, visiting Nicola's cousin, before heading into Switzerland. Then, via a short trip to Germany and Denmark, we were to head north to Norway, Sweden and Estonia.

Next up is a side-trip to St. Petersburg, back to Estonia for a short time, then to Latvia and through Poland to the Czech Republic. From there, we are to go back into Germany for more time, into Austria, northern Italy and into Slovenia and Croatia for a time.

From Croatia, we're to head to the 'Achilles Heel' of Italy, drive to the Amalfi Coast, and then head up the 'shin' of the boot and around to Southern France.

After finalising our time in France, we crawl back to the 'Mother Country' for some Scottish, Northern Welsh and Irish good times.

There are many questions to be asked before a trip like this. Will the car fall into a pile of rusty bolts somewhere in the wilderness of Eastern Europe? Can I possibly adjust to driving on the right with proven poor cognizance of direction and shaky concentration levels? Will my constant sarcasm get the better of Nicola and result in my eventual murder? Can two Australians really make a 3-month journey in an 8-year old high-mileage station wagon, and expect to survive all the challenges of camping?

I suppose we will find all of this out (and maybe more) in our trip, and this blog should keep you relatively up to date with the outcomes...